On Mowing the Lawn and the End of the Word

I’m thinking about waiting until next week to mow my lawn. After all, according to some pretty widely reported predictions, the end of the world is coming on May 21, 2011. And who wants to waste time mowing the lawn when the end of the world is right around the corner? So why is the world going to end on May 21? Well, it’s right there in the Bible, plain as the nose on my face (which is pretty plain).

Genesis 7:4 says, "Seven days from now I will send rain on the earth for forty days and forty nights, and I will wipe from the face of the earth every living creature I have made." When God says 7 days, he obviously meant both 7 days and 7000 years. I mean EVERYBODY knows that "one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day."  The flood occurred in 4990 B.C. (go with me here).  So 7000 thousand years since God God destroyed the world the first time is 2011. So that’s gotta be the year. Also, the Mayan calendar ends in 2012, which shows that they were in the right ball park, but that is another conspiracy theory altogether.

So if the year is plainly 2011, then why do we know its going to be May 21? Well, there are 722,500 days between the date of the crucifixion and May 21, 2011. 722,500 is a highly significant number because it is composed of the significant numbers 5x10x17x5x10x17. Five signifies redemption; ten signifies completion; and 17 signifies heaven. The numbers represent the day of redemption (5) and the end of the Christian era (10) and the ascent to heaven (17) -- and these factors are doubled for added significance. So that proves that the world is going to end on May 21.

Well… of course, unless it doesn't. I have my own theory about the exact date for the end of the world.  I predict that Jesus will come on any day EXCEPT one that has been predicted as the end-time date by self-appointed end-time sooth-sayers who torture the text to come up with a date even though Jesus Himself warned us not to listen to people making such claims (Matt 24:23) and no one knows when the date will be (Matt 24:36). There have always been “experts” (my Dad says that the definition of “expert” is that an “ex” is a has-been and a “spurt” is a “small stream under pressure”) who knew when Jesus was coming and the only thing they have in common is that they were wrong. (See a previous blog for some examples).

Here are some more of my predictions.  I predict that I WILL cut my grass today (unless it rains or the Lord comes TODAY). I’ll predict that I will run this blog in our bulletin Sunday, the day AFTER kingdom-come (because I’m a bit of a smart aleck). And I also predict that the young lady in the picture above WILL be getting her car painted very soon.